My boyfriend is wonderful in many ways. He's amazing and gentle with my children and myself. We share core and fundamental values and beliefs.
The problem is that he has had very few girlfriends and has learned behavior of masturbating and is addicted to pornography both on the internet and videos.
Since I've come to know this and decided I could stick it out if he got help, went to SLAA, therapy, and refrained from acting out, I find that it's really hard to trust him and to not take it personally. "If he loved and desired me, I'd be enough, if I were better, stronger, thinner, etc. he wouldn't need to look at other women. If we have sex alot, he won't need to touch himself so much...." He says it's not about me, it's how he's always dealt with pain, frustration, etc. in his life and that he loves me and is trying to change.
Is it possible to heal and change this behavior and is it possible to have trust restored?
P.S. I hate what the media and people have done to sexualize women!!
Even non-addictive use of pornography by men often offends women, because of the many ways it is degrading to and undermining of women.
Addiction to pornography is a whole additional concern. All addictions are a way of coping with feelings that works in the short run, but in the long run undermines emotional growth and skills, and can destroy relationships, careers, health, and all aspects of life. Addictions are generally hard to overcome, and there is tremendous controversy about what works.
Addiction to pornography can also be associated with pedophilia, or a compulsive need to coerce children into sexual acts. Pedophiles are usually very loving and sweet with children, and children usually like them, have fun with them, trust them. Yet, it is that wonderful connection with children that allows pedophiles to cross boundaries into sexual territory with them. People have a very hard time believing that the adults they know and trust because they are so great with children are something so hurtful as pedophiles. Please, please don't assume your children are safe with him. Educate your children age-appropriately, and don't leave them alone together. Even while you are sleeping, your children may be at risk.
Beyond this, I am not very knowledgable about pornograpy addiction, but there is lots of information on the internet about it, because it is becoming a huge, huge problem. As with any addiction, the partner in relationship with the addict has her/his own work to do. Generally this work is about the issues of enabling the addiction to continue, maintaining low self-esteem, not setting appropriate limits, doing too much and resenting it, focusing on the addict and his problems, rather than building her own life and friends, and independence.
Any of this ring a bell for you?
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Oct 17, 2006 1:19 AM
