I am 15. I'm a middle child of an older sister, younger sister, and younger brother. My parents are still together even if the don't get along to well. I've always been a hiper child, but now i'm almost positive i'm depressed. My mom got me to vollenter as a Jr. lifeguard at my older sister's work at age 14, and then a year later i became a lifguard since i'm old enough. The change was weird since none of the lifeguards seem to like me.
I went to a privite school for 10 years and freshmen year of high schol i went to a new school. I knew i would be going for almost over 3 years before i went because of my older sister. I wasn't sure how i felt 3 years before when i first found out, but later the year before i went i was dreading leaving my friends to go to the school my "perfect" older sister goes to. Yet, i did... and i did okay at first, but had not been participating in the usual sports i did. My basketball and volleyball team for my church just ended. I'd leave my team i was with since 3rd grade, but i didn't care. They never liked me any way. I didn't make the soccer team, but i don't think i wanted to. I had been having to much going on. And just like that, for the first time i can remember in my life i was not participating in a sport.
You would think with all that time I had i could keep my grades up, if not improve them. Yet, i know now. Nothing can compare to my sisters, both of them. I can imagine being in my older sister shadow because i've been that way ever since i was born (complete oposites). But, in my sister 3 1/2 younger than me. At first i though nothing of it since the 2 are quite alike. I should know, i've shard a room with both. Mostly straight A's and an ocasional B, but ofcourse the have to be on 5 different sport teams growing up. And my younger brother seemed to follow, yet with out the grades because he never did his homework. But there i was needing a totor my elementry years. As u can see, I feel into a shadow a little to big for me to fill. My mom never helped the problem. She would "joke" about me never being able to pass to the next grade each time i got a C or lower, something you never do to a child at the age of 6. She sill does it, but in a more demanding way. That "joke" still haunts me to this day, and i'm afraid it always will just asking me to fail. At least I never let that ghost down.
I also have suffered chronic migranes since the age of 3 1/2. They found out on a brain wave when i was 4 after doing a lot of other tests believe it or not. Now, i've always had a lot of problem with medication for my migranes. They either made it 10x's worse or didn't do a thing. My migranes weren't that bad when i was younger, even if i did had at least one bad one each month. But, when school begain to start i begain having at least one a day. I was used to the pain by then. Half way through the year i seemed to have some type of headache at some level of pain all the time. I never understood if it was the stress of my grades or something else.
My mom was there for me in a way when i was younger. Always taking care of me, but i started to learn how to take care of my self. I learned to like it. It gave me freedom something i've never known. It gave me a break from the yelling i experianced from my dad. Not that it bothered my, his "speached" learned to go in one ear and right out the other. But now, it's all different. Instead of my mom being the calm one my dad is. My mom "yells" at me almost every time i see her, sometimes for something completely different... like my dad's behavior which i defend in my mind. I can't get rid of her words as easily as my dad's. How can i? She took care of me for a long time. She also seems to invaide my privace and never leave me alone to long any more.
Sorry this is so long. I feel the need to explain things in detail to even consider what the other person says.
But, I've been worring about the way i think for a long time now. I think about death a lot, the suicide i wish i would do just to rid the world of my pressents. No one would care anyway... maybe one from my old school. But i hardly ever see her any more. My new "friends" at my new school see the act i've put on ever since i begain freshmen year. The act that i'm alright and nothing could ever bother me. No one knows who I am any more, I've changed to much. Yet, i know i would never go through with my death unless my sanity dissapers... or whats left of it.
You might recomend me to someone, and i would do it if i lived by myself. Away from my family. But the truth is, I would never tell anyone enough of my thoughts(depression) for them to suspect anything. And i'm afraid they wouldn't believe me even if i told them. Trust is a valuiable thing, and you could never keep my death wish a secrete if u new me in person. I will not kill myself no matter how much i want to unless I snap. It goes against my religion and everything i believe in, but i wish it didn't.
It's very, very late and i need to get to bed because i work tomorrow morring.
As sad as it is, teens in our culture very commonly suffer as you are. I am so sorry you have been hurting and struggling sooooo much. I'm so glad you reached out for help! So here's a secret that most people don't find out until they become adults: most teens think all the others have friends and are happy and loved, and many of them are faking it just like you. Many of the kids at your school are throwing up on purpose every time they eat. Some of the girls have crushes on girls, and boys have crushes on boys and feel shame and fear of being discovered and further shamed or hurt because of who they love. Some of them are developing a dependence on drugs and alcohol, and some of them will die before they grow up. Many are depressed, and most have a huge amount of self-doubt and even self-hate.
The only reason I'm telling you this, is because I hope there may be some relief for you in looking around your world and not believing everybody else has it all together and you don't. I'm hoping you'll take on faith, even if you don't see it (remember, no one sees your pain, even though you have tons of it--they are as good at faking it as you are) that all the people around you are suffering in their own secret way, and are not better or worthier than you at all.
But you need more than that. You need to have someone you really trust to talk to. You need to trust that they won't tell anyone your secrets, and that they'll understand and have compassion for what goes on inside you. This is what therapists do, and I believe you can see one without your parents knowing. If you know someone, or find someone, ask for details about if and when they would ever tell your secrets. They should tell you that if you talk about intending to kill someone, they will tell someone. If you seem to be ready to kill yourself, they will tell someone. If you tell them about an adult who is in the position to abuse children and has abused children (like you) before, they will tell someone. These are all laws and ethics therapists, teachers, nurses, doctors, etc have to follow. Pretty much other than these specific situations, they are not required to tell anyone what you say. Except for your parents (and I think in most cases even them) they are required not to tell anyone what you tell them. Just ask for the details about their policy. If you can't find a therapist, is there someone at church, school, a counselor or teacher you really like, a relative, anyone you can talk to and count on? Everyone needs this, and especially in painful times like these.
Sometimes it can help to put yourself in the head of someone you're having trouble with. I'm guessing that your Mom and Dad are acting the way they do mostly for reasons that don't have anything to do with you. If so, they aren't telling you what is troubling them, but they are acting in ways that affect you, and they probably don't even realize it. If your Mom knew how much she was hurting you, she probably wouldn't do it. In the best scenario, your whole family would get good counseling, and the counselor would help your parents be better parents, and understand you better. If that's not going to happen, see if you can guess at what's bothering your Mom. How does her relationship with your Dad seem? Are they nice to each other? Do they show lots more signs of loving and liking each other than they do being irritated by each other? Has something painful changed for your Mom before she started yelling at you? How's your family's money situation--could your Mom be worried about that? How's your Mom's work--does she feel good about what she is contributing to the world? Could she be going through menopause (around 50 yrs old, usually), which can make women irritable, anxious, depressed, etc? Is she worried about her own parents? Is she insecure about something?
You could also try talking to her about it, if you think that would work with her. If you want to talk to her, ask for quiet time alone to talk. When you have her full attention, tell her she's been yelling at you alot and it hurts you alot, and makes you feel like you're not loved or liked as much as your sisters and brother. If she tries to interupt you (and she probably will), politely, but firmly say, "Please let me say all I have to say before you respond--I just need to get this all out before you say anything--is that ok with you?" or something like that. Then tell her that you usually think the reason she yells at you is that she's disappointed in you, and mad at you, and doesn't like you the way you are. But that you've been thinking, and realized it might not be that; it might be that she's upset about something else, and you are really plenty good enough to deserve to exist and be loved and appreciated. So you want to check that out with her. Tell her if it's too personal to talk about, she doesn't have to tell you what it is, and she can think about it and tell you later, but you just need to know if there is something bothering her, something making her feel unhappy or scared or frustrated, or disappointed, or sad besides you.
Does any of that sound possible? Does it sound like it might help you feel better? Does it make sense?
It is in the nature of being your age to be very focused on what is wrong with you--pretty much everybody does it. It's necessary to focus mostly on yourself during this time, because there's so much to figure out. The downside of that is that teens create their own little world that makes them pretty blind to other people's pain, which leads them to conclude that they are the only ones in pain, which they conclude comes from their inadequacies--not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not lovable enough, not rich enough, not cool enough, etc, etc. So I'm hoping you will find relief in discovering that everybody around you is insecure about their grades, their athletic ability, their bodies, thier skin, their dates, their families, their whatever--the bottom line is that you are as lovable and deserving of love as everybody else.
I also want to say that it is possible that anti-depressants would make you feel much better, if your brain chemistry is out of whack. Aerobic exercise can do the same thing, and so can therapy for many people. Some people need to balance their brain chemistry with meds before anything else can get better. Others no longer need meds when they get the benefit of therapy. Also, it could be, in addition to what I've said, that your parents have treated you and are treating you in ways that are undermining your self-esteem and happiness. This is why family counseling would be great, if your family would agree to it, and you get a good counselor. But if your family won't go, if you get stronger, which my suggestions could help with, you will be better equipped to let hurtful behavior keep going past you, rather than letting it hit and lodge in your heart.
Ok, now my response is long, so I'm going to stop, but please write back if you have more questions, concerns, or updates about how it's going!
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Jul 09, 2006 1:05 AM
