I have 2 friends that I usually hang out with. Since I am the only that knows how to drive they call me so we can go out. That I dont mind but what bothers me is that when we go out they call their boyfriends and leave with them. They expect me to wait for them there with their little sister until they come back. They do this so their parents dont find out that they are seeing their boyfriens. What I dont like is that they lie to me but I dont know how to tell them. I tell them that I have to be home before eleven so they dont stay that long. My problem is that I dont know how to stand up for myself I always let people take advantage of me. I try to convince myself that I will no longer allow people to offend me or take advantage of me but I cant. I always end up doing what other people want me to do. My other problem is that when people offend me I dont say anything I feel myself with shame and guilt for not doing anything about it. My friends sometimes offend me in a sarcastic way. They put me down laughing and I dont know if they are really joking or if their intentions are serious. When people put me down I just freeze and cant say anything to defend myself. What can I do stand up for myself and start saying no without feeling guilty?
Yeah, that's a hard one, and many adults struggle with this. If you can start working on it now, you'll do much better as an adult that many people who don't start young.
If you feel guilty for saying "no," that can be a different issue, with different roots than if you feel afraid they won't like you or won't be around anymore if you say "no." Usually both can be traced back to dynamics in one's family. Does your mother, or anyone else in your family have trouble saying "no?" Do you feel unloved or unlovable or unliked in your family? Figuring all this out together is one thing I do in therapy with people, but you can look for the answers by yourself, too. Knowing what motivates you to betray yourself by not saying "no" or not protecting or asserting yourself is important. Some part of you thinks it's the best solution to some problem, and that part is deciding for all parts of you.
If I were in your position, I would start looking for new friends immediately. I'd look around and ask somebody I thought I might like to go do something with me. I'd stop calling these "friends" who put you down (even in "fun") and take advantage of you. I might try telling them what I think about what they're doing, probably in an e-mail. If you could tell them you won't take them out to see their boyfriends and leave you behind in e-mail, then do it--it doesn't have to be face-to-face, and it doesn't have to be happening in the moment when you say it. Is there anyone in your life who would support you to do this? Parents, siblings, friends, school counselor, spiritual counselor, teachers, anybody?
If there isn't anyone to support you, and this all feels too hard, see if you can see a therapist, or get into a teen support group. Sometimes just a little support can make a big difference in courage.
What do you think? Can you make use of any of these ideas? Do you need more?
Warmly,
Cynthia
Anonymous
Guest
Jun 07, 2006
11:52 AM
Dear Cynthia,
Thank you for writing me back, I truly apreciate all of your comments and suggestions. I have given all of thought to what you have told me and I realized that both of my parents have trouble saying no and that they are always taken advantage over because they want to please the other person. I can also tell you that two years ago I went to therapy with my parents because I didnt want to go to school because I felt disconnected from the world and myself. My parents were always working and when ever I needed them they were alway busy. I grew up feeling lonely and empty. I didn't have that many friend because I felt that I was to boring and they wouldn't like me. In therapy I learned that my parents truly loved and we were able to spend more time with each other and show more affection. My parent used to tell me that I wasn't good enough and sometimes in some ways I still feel like that. I feel that I need to please them because If I don't I have done something wrong. Sometimes Im afraid of making my own choices or taking risks so I dont make mistakes. I guess I feel that If I make a mistake I have done something wrong so my parents dissaprove of me.
About my friends, my sister has alway told me that they are not really good friends and that it is better to be alone than with them. My mom on the other hand has told me that I should hang out with them as long as I always defend myself. The fact is that she motivates me to go out with them when I just dont feel like going out with them. Sometimes I tell my friends over the phone that I just dont feel like going out. My mom asks me, "why did you say no to them?" I just tell her I dont feel like going out today. She tells me that I am never going to have any friends and if I keep telling them no, even if it was only one time, they will stop inviting to go out and Im going to be left lonely with no friends. She also tells me that if I really want to have friends I just have to defend myself from them. Deep inside Im afraid of being alone so I guess thats why I hang along with my friends. I just want to please them and always make them happy so I can keep them and not be alone. I always end up feeling bad and afraid they wont invite me anymore because I made the mistake of saying no to them. Im also afraid because I feel that I wont find any friend and I will be lonely because I'm not good enough, boring, too shy and nobody will like me. I am also afraid of finding more people that will continue to take advantage of me. So I continue to hold on to my friends even though I have to please them to keep them happy with me and I just dont like to disappoint them.
Once again thank you for writing me back and reading what it is important to me and others and for supporting us. I wish you the best always.
I'm afraid I disagree with your Mom, and I agree partly with your sister. It's a very damaging thing to tell you "you will never have any friends if you say "no" to the people who ask you for things." These people are not simply asking you for things; they are using you and not acting like friends at all. Friends can hear "no" when it's what's best for you and want you to have what's best for you. You should say "no" when "yes" doesn't feel right--listen to your gut--it's telling you something important. But both your sister and Mom are wrong to make it sound like you can either be used by these people, stand up to them, or have no friends and be all alone and lonely (these are the choices they give you, right)? There are lots of people in the world, and there are people who will like you for who you are, what you think and feel, what interests you, and for your kindness, and other traits. Some of these people will even be alot like you. Search for them, and don't settle for people who only spend time with you to use you.
Lots of teens and kids are shy, not popular, not good at something, don't like themselves, or whatever--in fact most of us struggled with something like that when we were teens. In time, these things change, and you will have good friends who will appreciate you. We all thought no one else struggled with these things like we were, and we were all wrong!
If your parents have trouble saying "no" and it has caused problems in their lives (and if your Mom never says "no" to her friends, she must be having some problems) take that as an example of what you don't want to do--don't copy her mistakes.
My mother used to tell me: "no pot is so crooked that you can't find a lid to fit it!" It turned out she was right; I've found lots of lids--there are friends for you waiting, and will be glad to find you--you just have to look.
