I am a 26 year old married woman with depression. I believe I have been depressed most of my life but have experienced a serious bout with it the past two years. I know a lot of people post messages about depression but I have not read any yet about people who are self injurers or "cutters". Most people do not know about it or understand why someone would do it, but I am someone who does. When I was seven, I was sexually abused by my older brother and was too afraid to say anything because of threats he made to me. My parents were good parents but never taught me to express my feelings and I never talked about how I felt about anything. When I was 20, my brother was arrested for drugs and other things and was sent to prison for two years. It was actually the most peaceful, happy time of my life, him being gone. I told my parents about the sexual abuse when my brother was about to get out, and they did not really care. My mom told me it was just children being children and experimenting but I know it wasn't. I didn't really expect them to care but it still hurt when they didn't. My mom made me pretend like nothing ever happened and asked me to be nice to my brother when he got home. She didn't want to upset him or want him to go back on drugs! For my mom, I forgot. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after and passed away on June 5, 2004. I've been depressed ever since. I've been going to therapy since june of 2005, trying to get help and it seems to only be getting worse. I'm on Lexapro and when it was increased a few weeks ago, I got worse. I had a severe panic attack and thought I was going to kill myself. I got help from friends that moment and am doing a little better right now. I've since decreased the dosage back done and it's like i'm a completely different person. I've been cutting since October of last year and each time I get upset, it gets worse. I do it because I hate myself. I hate everything about me. The way I look, how I feel, and my thoughts. I don't ever feel normal and I hate the way I make other people feel, especially my husband. He's worried about me and I'm causing him stress. The only reason I'm alive right now is because I don't want to hurt or upset anyone else. I'm a people pleaser! Anyway, I've tried finding a physchiatrist, to prescribe medication, with no luck. My therapist now can not and my doctor does it but does not feel comfortable because she wants me to get help from someone with experience with depression/anxiety. I'm looking for a female because that is who i am most comfortable talking to. I've seen two males with no luck and I'm feeling hopeless, like it's never going to get better. I actually want to get off meds altogether but my husband and therapist dont think that's a good idea. Can you recommend someone that can help? I'm willing to go anywhere in the bay area. Thanks for listening.
I'm so glad you decided to reach out and ask for help. The fact that you did that is a good sign for your ability to heal from all of this. I do know a good woman psychiatrist in Berkeley; write to me at my e-mail address and I'll give you her name and phone number. They are hard to find.
Lots of people cut themselves, and the reasons vary. For many it's a way to relieve intense emotional pain. For some, it's a way to express how much pain is inside and invisible by making it visible in cuts. For you it's self hate, and maybe other reasons as well. Rarely is it connected to wanting to die.
If you are doing it because you hate yourself, I think you are cutting the wrong person. You haven't done anything to deserve punishment. Your brother abused and terrorized you, your parents didn't care that you had been through that, and your mother taught you you had to act pleasant for everyone else's sake, ignoring your own needs and feelings. These are all horribly destructive acts, and they were all perpetrated against you. It is so sad that instead of punishing them for their behavior, you are punishing yourself for their behavior.
It is difficult enough for most people to express anger at their mothers, especially when she taught that you should please others rather than express anger. But harder than all of that is the fact that she died. You undoubtably have sad feelings about that, and angry feelings about how she treated you, and guilty feelings about being mad at her. I'm guessing you totally don't think you can be mad at her because she's dead. That makes perfect sense given what you were taught, yet, for you to heal, you will have to address those feelings, grieve--express both sadness and anger and anything else about everything that has happened to you with someone who can really listen and comfort you.
You have experienced trauma, and I would recommend EMDR for that. If your therapist doesn't do it, she might be willing to let you do the EMDR with another therapist while she does the talk therapy with you.
What I want to say to you more than anything, is that everything you're experiencing and doing, including the depression and cutting, is a totally normal response to what you have experienced.
Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns about any of this. You can always write me here.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Anonymous
Guest
Mar 19, 2006
12:33 AM
Hello Cynthia,
I read your message to me and it was unbelievable how dead on you were about how I feel. It's nice to know that someone understands. Thank you.
About the EMDR, I've read about it some and I think it is very interesting. I just have a problem talking at all during therapy, even though I am completely comfortable with my therapist. Sometimes I even lie about how I feel cause I don't really know at that moment how I feel or I can't put it into words. I believe that with the EMDR, you have to talk about your trauma while it is being done and I don't think I can do that. Maybe one day. Thank you again for your response. I think you are doing a great thing by helping all these people. Sincerely,
Shoegirl
Last Edited by Cynthia on Mar 19, 2006 12:36 AM
Actually, EMDR, and some newer offshoots--Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy and Lifespan Integration are great in part because they don't require you to talk about the trauma. With EMDR, you remember it, but don't have to talk about it, and you feel the feelings, but they pass quickly. With the other two, it tends to be even more gentle.
I'm so glad I could be helpful to you. Please check in and let me know how you're doing, or write back on the forum if you have any more questions.
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Mar 20, 2006 11:46 PM
