Well my boyfriend of two years dumped me last night because he can't handle my depression alone. Which I understand, I tend to get severly depressed over the smallest of things. However he wants to still be with me but I have to find some ways of managing my depression. So, I was wondering if you could recommend some ways of controlling it, and if you could recommend a therapist in Northern CA, for I'm terrified of them to tell you the truth, and I would rather not have to go "shopping". Also do you know of anyways to stop being clingy and more independent?
It's a terrible feeling to be depressed and then lose something that comforted you, especially if you lose it because of the depression. Please don't despair; there's lots of hope for you. First of all, how far North in California are you? Also, what is it that scares you about therapists?
To answer your question about clinginess and dependency, let me give you some general information that you might find helpful.
People are dependent and clingy as a normal response to not getting their needs met. Children have many important needs that are a normal part of emotional development, just like we have needs in order to develop physically (like food, water) and mentally (like education). When children get these essential emotional needs met, they develop actual brain structures that provide them with the ability to comfort themselves, manage their feelings and express them constructively, give and accept love, ask for what they need, protect themselves and so on, by the time they are adults.
Many, many people don't get what they need emotionally as kids and grow up having to use something outside themselves to deal with life, because they haven't been given what they need inside to do it. People find that outside sources can sometimes do it for them, at least temporarily, which is better than nothing. To make up for lacking these abilities, people use drugs, alcohol, other people who have some of the missing abilities, food/sugar, sex, tv, internet surfing, porn, gambling, work, and many other sources of temporary comfort.
When you are needy and clingy with your boyfriend, it is because you need something you don't yet know how to provide for yourself. You can't just learn these skills from a book; you have to actually build the structures in your brain. This is what happens in therapy, and it can happen in relationships too, but relationships are usually not a very efficient way to undergo this transformation--it can take many years, and many broken relationships, and even then it doesn't work if the relationships are destructive and not constructive.
Being depressed generally makes everyone feel needy, even if they don't feel that way when they're not depressed. So in any case, especially when depressed, the way to avoid being needy and clingy is to get your needs met. You can't expect to get all of that from your boyfriend, though. Finding a solution to your depression would help, and working with a good therapist to build those brain structures that allow you to feel good inside yourself can allow you finally to feel filled up inside.
I've skipped over the most important part for you, which is the answers to questions like what is causing your depression, and what kind of parenting did you get that didn't provide what you needed to take into adulthood emotionally. If you work with a therapist, you will obviously get into your personal details that flesh out the general information I gave above.
This is complicated stuff, and I'm not sure I've explained it clearly. Please feel free to ask more questions, if you have any.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Jan 11, 2006 11:36 PM
