Well im 23 I have been with my fiance for 9 years, actually 4 1/2, then broke up for 2 and now back together for 3, On september 9, 2005 we had our first child, he wasnt supposed to be able to have children and we found a medication that would help so we planned to have a child before his diabetes was so bad the medication wouldnt work.at the time we were trying to get pregnate our relationship in my eyes was wonderfull! I have my own business and i make pretty good money working from home so he doesnt have to work, we have always talked about getting married and were planning on getting married in sep but then i got preg and i didnt want to be preg on my wedding day so we decided to wait a while till the baby was born, durring the 3 years weve been back together i have had to deal with the ex hanging around, she is constantly at his moms, calling his moms just constantly around. i cant take it anymore, 3 weeks before my daughter was born i was looking over the cell phone bill wich i had never done before and saw that he had been talking to her for about 6 months, now rarely and i mean rarely do we do anything apart so the chance they had been seeing each other is slim yet he has no logical answer as to why he was calling her, he swears he has no feelings for her and nothing ever happend but i cant get over this because he wanted to start a family so bad and yet why risk it all to talk to your ex, the hardest part about this is that now i or we have a child to think about and if i leave him he has to have her weekends or whatever and shes only 3 months old im not ready to be away from her and i also want them to have a good relationship and be close regardless of what happens with him and i, im really torn i cant sleep, have fun, and i have completely lost all trust in him and its ruining our relationship, our sex life has always been great, even when i was pregnate it was a daily thing,hes not talking to the ex anymore at least right now but i feel like as soon as i let my gaurd down it will happen again,now when he leaves i dwell on if hes really where he says he is and whos there, i tried to say theres no reason for his mom to be talking to his ex and im not going to his familys anymore and that just caused more problems, i tried to tell him to tell his mom untill she quits talking to the ex hes not going over there anymore and hes says he cant make his mom do something she doesnt want to do and hes not going to quit going to his moms because i cant get over this issue and that im making him choose between him and his mom, i feel like crap, im not happy i dont know what to do i have tried to approach this situation in every way i can think of and nothing is getting better or changing, any advice would be very appriciated.when i try to get something off my chest it just causes a arguement and he gets mad and says i need to get past this and hes sick of me accuseing him of things and i try not to but this is driving me crazy, and i feel guilty to my daughter because if i would have known this was going to happen i would not have brought her into this mess and i dont want her to have a broken family. Please give me some advice
Since I know so little about you, and don't have you in my office where I could ask many questions and understand everything that's involved here, I will have to make some guesses about what might be going on, and therefore what might help. If it doesn't seem to fit you, please let me know, and I will respond to your corrections. I imagine you must be going through Hell, right now--not knowing if you can trust your partner, best friend and father of your child!
There is no easy answer to this, but one thing stands out for me in your description. You are putting a great deal of time and energy into thinking about this issue, being vigilant, talking and fighting with him about it, etc to the point where you can't sleep, and where it interferes with being able to take care of your daughter as well as you normally would, as well as your ability to enjoy your partner, and even life in general, right? So it is important that you ask yourself, "What makes obsessing about whether or not he's in love with his ex worth all the sacrifices involved?" What do you fear if you stop being vigilant? Is the answer that you think you can keep him from leaving you or seeing her, or talking to her, or being in love with her if you devote your time and attention to thinking and talking about it? Is the answer that you don't want to be surprised by his telling you he's in love with her and leaving you, so you want to find out before he tells you so you'll be prepared? Think about it--what do you hope to accomplish by focusing on this? It would be ideal if you could talk to a professional therapist about all this, because we all have blind spots that others can see before we can. Also, because I suspect that something in your relationship with your parents when you were a child is getting superimposed on this situation. The answer to this question may reveal information about what this situation stirs up inside you from your past.
It seems to me that if he's in love with her or going to be in love with her, and/or going to leave you for her, there is very little if anything you can do about it. If he is not in love with her, you could still lose him at any time in a car accident or due to his diabetes. So what you have is what he gives you--good sex, companionship, emotional support, parenting partnership, his time and attention--you seemed to be saying he gives you alot. If you respond to that with enjoying, appreciating and returning it, both of you will be inclined to be in the relationship. You will have the best chance of keeping him and being happy yourself. The only thing you have to lose is if he is going to leave you, you might know sooner. If you respond with suspicion, accusations, blame, and vigilance, neither of you will want to be in the relationship. If he is in love with the ex, you may or may not find out with these tactics, and you will almost surely ruin any hope for the relationship. If he's not in love with the ex, then you will have ruined a relationship that was really good. If he is not acting lovingly as a partner and father, then that is the issue you have to address with him--again, whether or not he's involved with his ex.
If there are things you need to do so that you will survive losing him, then do them, because it could happen to anyone anytime. You have financial independence from him; do you have friends, and emotional support? Do you need to know more about what would happen to your daughter? Prepare what you can, and then try to let go of controlling (easier said than done) whether or not he falls in love with someone or leaves you, or even dies, because no one can control those things. This may be impossible, though, if you had a trauma as a child that left you believing the negative belief about yourself that keeps you vigilant. It could be "I'm not lovable," "I'm not lovable so everyone will leave me," "if I don't stay vigilant, bad things will happen, and I'll be responsible," or "I don't have what it takes to survive on my own," or any number of other possibilities, unless you resolve the trauma.
If the two of you could also get good marriage counseling, that would be very helpful too. Please understand that I am not blaming you, and do not want you to blame yourself for anything he does. The situation you are in would be hard and painful for anyone. I just think the way to resolve it is not vigilance--I think that will cause more problems and not solve many. But I do encourage you to respect that vigilance is your response, because it is your internal system for taking care of you. Its intention is good. I just hope for you that you can find support to find a way to cope with this situation that is not destructive to the marriage or to you. This is an opportunity for you to grow inside and become an even stronger person. It could also be an opportunity for the relationship to grow stronger, if it has the capacity to do so.
I know this is complicated, and probably not what you expected, so feel free to ask me more questions.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Dec 21, 2005 1:12 AM
Yes, i agree with what your saying, as far as my childhood, it was pretty good i dont think that has anything to do with it, i just dont like living life not knowing whats going to happen with my relationship by the next day, and i WILL NOT be with someone who cares for someone else no matter how i feel about them, the feelings have to be mutual, and if they are not then id rather go my seperate ways, ive givin him every opportunity to tell me the truth wether he cares for her or not and how simple things can be if he wants to break up and he swears that he loves me and dosnt want to be with her, but for some reason i feel like he has to or why call her in the first place knowing i wasnt ok with it, i dont take starting a family lightly and i feel like a horrible mother for bringing my child into this mess, no matter how smoothe you make things durring a break up it still effects the child. everytime i try to approach him with anything this has to do with he gets angry and says hes sick of talking about it and i have tried approaching it in so many different ways, what makes this so hard is its like pulling teeth to find out how he feels, sometimes i wish i could turn off my thinking cap so i wouldnt dwell on this but its killing me and if i cant find a way to feel more secure we are not going to make it,sometimes i wonder if the things i ask for really are outrageous i mean do you think its totally inappropriate to ask him to tell his mom not to have his ex over anymore or we are not coming over anymore? like i told himif this was my mom this would not even be going on, once my mom saw it was causeing problems she would have stopped without me even having to say a word.
If his Mom stopped allowing his ex to come over, would you be able to feel secure? Is there anything he could do at this point to convince you he's not in love with, or having an affair with, or giving power to his ex, and won't be even if you stop being vigilant? If there is, then try to negotiate for it.
If that doesn't work, then your choices are either to accept him as he is, or leave him--as grim as that sounds, that is the choice for everyone in any lover relationship.
To make that choice requires going deeper inside yourself. If there's nothing he could do to convince you he is committed monogamously to you for the longterm, then either the relationship is doomed, or you are going to be vigilant, anxious and depressed, or you are bumping into a part of you that has not gotten what it needs to feel secure. I think that if you knew inside that you are a lovable, good, strong person, and knww it regardless of what he does, then you won't have to try to control what the people around you do, and then feel frustrated and panicky because you find you can't actually control what the people around you do--none of us can. Does this make sense? To get to this solid, confident, self-comforting place inside is not a matter of willing yourself to do it. Working with a good therapist can help you develop all those strengths.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Jan 11, 2006 11:58 PM
