hello cynthia, i just finished school-ba degree- after taking about four or so years off in which i was paralyzed with depression, had ect, tried everything, etc. i got off all that stuff, fell in love, a year later my love moved abroad, i moved to the opposite coast of my family, went back to school and now i am here. Where? I do not know what to do.. my love is back in this country in a different city, close to where my family is. i don't want to live near my family, but i do to him. unfortunately for now we are in love with different cities. we've been good at long distance so far... sorry if this is winding and hard to follow... i have been wanting to quit smoking, dedicate time to healing this mask over myself... i have been talking about this with my love, addictions in general. he is addicted to internet porn. our talk of addictions feels infiltrating to our relationship and phone sex and sex when we see each other.. i have a therapist that has been great for three years now, i talk to her online. i would like to apply to grad school for next year, or or or.. something... i should get a job now as my savings will run out soon and what? i will collapse to hideaway of parents house again. i'm scared of this.. though i almost see myself letting it happen as i become less and less motivated, isolated. i came here specifically for school and the community is there if i want to be involved, though i no longer do so much. i need a change, i don't know what.
i hear so many conflicting opinions and voices in my head it just paralyzes me, especially on the whole how to quit smoking thing recently. it's not so much that i can't hear myself at all, but i feel a slipping and withdrawing from even beginning to be able to make a decision about what to do with my time, what to focus on. i spent all year in an intensive art program. am i drained? am i depressed? sometimes both.. i don't know how to move forward. i have been talking about smoking with my therapist recently.. this feels like "cheating" somehow to write to you, a betrayal, i don't know. i just wanted to take a chance to free my thoughts in a new space. i am considering seeking in-person therapy again, but i have already done a lot of work with this therapist that i'm not sure it is wise. what would you think of this?
i feel utterly completely overwhelmed, cannot keep track of any logical, rational decision making motivation requiring activity. after my first four days off cigarettes i am back three days in settling into my same chain smoke marathon- quite obvious to me now , my system of support when there seems no other. I don't understand why I can't take care of myself as i would like. i do not want to fall into another paralyzing depression. it is the future thing that gets me everytime. a month ago i was inspired to fill out an application for grad school right away. I am in doubt and question of most everything now.
Ok, thanks for reading this. I very much appreciate any response or perspective you may have. My main question if there is one would be- how does one move forward from this? What is the best place to focus first? or how does one get focus if it seems slipping so rapidly?
Also, thanks for having this board up. I appreciate having found this tonight.
All in time and hope, Liminal
Anonymous
Guest
Nov 18, 2005
2:00 AM
Cynthia,
Thank you for writing back. I very much appreciate it. Yes, I guess I should have mentioned more about my psych history- I took almost all of the drugs out there, lithium with various antidepressants, and sometimes antipsychotics for four or so years, until i stopped them all and had ect treatments. The diagnosis was always a questionable bipolar II, but definitely major depression. I have been fine w/o drugs for three years now and am very much a convert to all non-drug treatments now. But I will be seeking out a therapist to see in person.
Thanks for letting me know you're getting more help. I'm curious what non-medication methods you've used in the past 3 yrs when you've been depression-free? Did the ECT work? Would you consider doing that again if you needed it? It sounds like meds don't work for you. For certain kinds of depression and patients, ECT can work miracles with when meds don't work.
Any other non-meds ways of preventing or treating depression that have worked for you might be helpful to someone else. So if you have the time and energy, any information you want to provide to the forum about your methods would be great!
