Dear Cynthia, First of all i must say that i think you are a wonderful person for taking your time to help others.I am a single 25 year old female,and lately i have been having an abnormal amount of depression.As far as i can remember i have been atleast a little depressed but now its different i feel stuck i have a history of drug use that i got help for and was clean for 8 months but all of a sudden i relapsed i have been using again for 4 months and i hate it i dont want to do it but addiction is very powerfull.For the past 3 weeks i have something telling me im not gonna make it which is odd even in my past addiction i still had hopes of recovery and it seemed reachable but lately i feel like i need to escape i just dont know what to escape my social group,my town,my mind i just dont know but i feel that if i dont change things and soon i will be dead or in prison.The trouble is i know all this and each day comes and goes and i dont have the drive to change anything i feel as if happiness is unreachable and the only thing that stops me from giving up is the thought of how much pain i would cause my mother i have disappointed her too much already.i have no love for myself only others i just dont know what to do.
This is too much for one person to handle alone! It is very important that you find a therapist, a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, a sponsor, a friend (all of the above?)--someone who can loan you the drive and self-love, and interest in living, and direction to getting clean, etc that you can't provide for yourself right now. Sometimes drugs are just the available way of dealing with one's own depression--in that case, getting prescibed anti-depressants from a good psychiatrist (in addition to therapy, and chemical dependency support) can make all the difference in staying clean and feeling good. In other cases, anti-depressants are just another drug added to the mix.
Can you see a therapist, or someone you can talk to and who can help you figure out what you need and how to get it? Please don't struggle with this alone, or with anyone who doesn't see how lovable you are. Please don't wait--that would prolong your suffering, and put yourself in increasing danger.
Lacking self-love is one of the most painful human conditions. The good news is that self-love can be developed in therapy. If you can love others, you have the skills to love yourself--those skills just have to be hooked up in your brain with the wounded young part of you that doesn't believe she's lovable. This can't be done just by using your will, but it can many times be done in a relatively short time with Lifespan Integration, DNMS, EMDR, and even talking with a professional. You can look up LI and DNMS on the internet--they both have websites.
Please keep in touch; let me know what you decide to do, and how it's going.
