When my husbend and i were in high school we dated. Now when i got pregnant at the end of my 17th year we decided to get married when i was 18. Now after a year of our marriage he decides to tell me that he cheated on me with 3 diferent woman who i knew when we were dating in high school. That through our whole marriage off cause now i dont trust him. He has never cheated on my since we have been married. Now we have been married for 3 years and he works with other weman his age. He borrows stuff from her all the time. I just do want for them to get closer and then him cheat on me. He says that he will never do it but he says that my jealousey has gotten so bad that he lost intrest in me and that he doesnt want to be with me because he cant stand me being being jealouse and questioning him everyday about this girl. I stay home with my 2 girls and cook and clean for him and now im going insane because i never go out and i dont have friends cause back in the day i was not aloud to have guy friends and most of my girl friends i lost because of him. What do i do? He wants to call the whole marrige off because he cant stand me being jealouse any more
I'm so sorry this is happening to you; it sounds devastating. One of the most important things you can do is to resist the temptation to blame yourself, insult yourself, tell yourself you are bad, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough. These are UNTRUE and guarantees that you will get depressed, or more depressed, and are not helpful. To stop those self-blame, self-hate voices from haunting you, you can try distracting yourself, arguing with the messages inside your head that put you down, look for postive things about you, get others to remind you about your wonderfulness, get counseling, challenge yourself and meet those challenges, or anything else that works and doesn't hurt you.
You are in a crisis situation, and that requires lots of courage and acting fast. If he will go with you to marriage counseling, that would be a first step. If he is not willing to try to make the relationship work, you need to plan your separation and divorce, even if that's not how it turns out. If you are not working outside the house, and have no friends, and have two children, you have a lot to change. Whatever support you can get through all this, please call on. Do you have family you trust and/or can stay with? Can you get counseling for yourself? Do you have resources through your church? How old are your children?
Even if you stay together, it is important to know exactly how you'll take care of everything if you don't stay together. Having this plan gives you confidence, eases anxiety, and gives you a clearer head for talking to your husband about what the two of you will do. If you think you will not be able to manage financially and emotionally without him, you will be inclined to agree to whatever he wants, rather than insist on a compromise. PLEASE GET SUPPORT--everyone needs emotional support in your situation. You may also need to find some childcare for your children while you are figuring all this out, getting support, and strengthening yourself.
Please know that it takes two to make a marriage deteriorate--you must try not to blame yourself; that will only weaken you when you need to be stronger than you've ever been. Many, many people feel jealous and posessive of their mates. It comes from what we learned about love and ourselves from our relationship with our own parents. It also comes from the fact that he did cheat on you, and that puts a hole in a relationship that is very hard to heal. If you have issues beyond normal jealousy, you can work those out in therapy later, but it sounds like your focus in the short term needs to be a plan if your husband leaves, and every possible attempt to get professional help for the relationship.
Please let me know how it goes.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Oct 28, 2005 11:16 PM
