After many, many years alone, I am astonished to find myself with a new lover. He is tender, loving, and attentive, but though I'm really attracted to him, I've come to dread being alone with him because sex has been mostly awful so far. The 2 times we've tried intercourse, I had to stop him because it hurt so much when he tried to enter me. I thought it might be a lubrication problem (we've now tried lube and it didn't help) or just that the years of disuse might have made my body unable to function! I have so much embarrassment and guilt and shame over this that I don't know how to communicate with my lover or what to do next. We've ended up having only oral sex every time we're together, and I think he's been fairly satisfied with that, though I haven't felt good about it. Though he's very sweet and gentle most of the time, he's rough during sex, talks to me in ways I don't like, and seems to be turned on by things that I find distasteful. I am very conservative and hate feeling like I'm in a porn film with him. What's my question? I guess, can people with totally different styles/ turn-ons compromise and enjoy each other? If he likes it rough and "porny", how can I ask or expect him to just be sweet and tender and romantic which is what I like? And how to overcome my embarrassment and shame and be able to communicate with him, so I have a chance to enjoy this incredible gift of being loved again after so long.
Wow, what an emotionally painful collision of circumstances! Congratulations on opening yourself up to the vulnerability of love! Ok, my first question, is a hard one; be honest with yourself, but feel free to decide I'm completely off base: could the fact that it feels so good to be loved after being alone for so long be clouding your evaluation of how good a partner he is for you?
While you are considering that one, I'm going to assume that he's the right guy in giving you my thoughts. I have to say that I don't know any way through this without open communication. I know it is extremely hard for you to talk about sex, especially with a complaint to your lover when you feel so much shame and embarrassment. Would it help to write it and give him the letter? Would it help to talk to him if a couples' counselor were in the room? Would it help to agree to a time to talk about it with him? Generally it is a good idea to talk about sex when you are both out of bed, dressed, and not doing anything sexual. It's also good to have some uninterrupted time, and consent between the two of you that you'll be talking about this. That said, men generally do better talking while doing something, rather than sitting down face-to-face. Your guy may not need this, but consider it. If, for example you were washing and drying dishes together while you talk--you might both be more comfortable not having constant eye contact while talking about this. Also, feel free to use words to describe things that you invent, or are less embarrassing to you than the clinical terms or the crude terms--a perfectly useful conversation can be had this way as long as both people understand what is meant by the terms used.
Yes, it is possible to compromise on differences--we have to do that all the time with any partner, because no two people are exactly alike, and the differences inevitably have to be negotiated. However, both parties have to be willing, and the compromises have to span whatever gap there is between your styles without anybody feeling like they are giving up something essential to them.
Neither pain during intercourse, nor a conflict between a porn-type sexual style preference and a more tender style are unusual--many others have experienced both of these challenges. Determining what needs to be done may require input from one or more professionals. This could certainly include a couples' therapist, a sex therapist, and/or a gynecologist, depending on what you think the problem is. A professional will likely take a sexual history to put the current issues in perspective and to try to determine the problem and the solution.
If you haven't already, ask yourself questions that might help pinpoint the issue. Some will be mechanical functioning questions and some will be emotionally-focused questions. (Remember, our thoughts and feelings have as much or more to do with our sex lives than our genitals). For example, does he have a penis that is larger than any you have ever tried to fit inside you? What happens if he uses his finger in your vagina rather than his penis? What happens if you put your own finger or something larger in your vagina when you are alone? Do you get nervous and disgusted whenever the two of you make love and reflexively tense your muscles, including those around your vagina? Has anything like this happened with any other partners? If so, what was the same/different about that experience from this one? A couples' counselor, especially one who had expertise in the sexual part of relationships (or a sex therapist who had expertise in couples) would ask these kinds of questions. By the way, when I say "sex therapist," I mean a licensed professional who helps through talking about the problem, not through having sex with either of you. Also, by "expertise" I mean extensive specialized training.
So let me know if this answers your question, or write back if you need me to clarify or add anything.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Jul 20, 2005 4:36 AM
nervous
Guest
Jul 21, 2005
8:18 AM
Hi Cynthia, Thanks so much for your warm, sympathetic response. So many things you said were helpful. Of course your very first question hit home! It's true that I'm so amazed and grateful to have love in my life again that I am probably not able or willing to accept the fact that he is probably not at all right for me. I keep thinking, well, yes, there are all these problems and strikes against us, but he says he loves me and seems to mean it!! No man has shown even the tiniest spark of interest in me for more than 12 years and I'm over 50, and I just can't believe there's any possibility I'll get another chance, so feel I have to accept whatever this situation is and do my best with it. It feels like it's worth it to have someone care, even though I have to admit I am miserable most of the time over this. But not only over the sexual problems, since we actually see each other pretty infrequently. More over my own obsessive insecurities and expectations of when will he call, why hasn't he called, doesn't he want to see me, why can't he try harder to make time for "us"? And I wish that I could relax over all that and just be thankful for the amount of attention I'm getting.
Yes, that all sounds very painful. Most likely, if you developed more confidence that you are lovable, all of this would change. Relationships can help with this, but they can also make it worse, depending on the relationship. Therapy usually helps. You could also try "acting as if" you know your lovable. I don't mean acting like someone else so people will love you for the act--that doesn't help at all. I mean looking at what you and others like about you, appreciate about you, what draws them to you, and focusing on those things both alone, and when you're with other people. It could be that no one has shown interest for 12 years because you are expressing "I'm unlovable" or even "I don't believe I'm lovable," and that can repell people. On the other hand, if you are thinking and non-verbally expressing "I am lovable, competent, sexy, attractive, and generally a good catch," as you move through the world, people will be drawn to you. Not believing you're lovable puts you in the torturous state of only feeling lovable temporarily when the man you're seeing expresses it, so constantly having to wait until he decides to do that.
Anyway, this is much easier to tell you to do than it is to do it. I hope you'll get as much support as possible to see you through this profound change, if you want to change this.
