I can't believe what I've just been through! It all seems like a dream. I have to write it down to make sense of it--to make it real or something.

Janet (the bitch, but I can't call her that anymore) called me in the middle of the night Friday night from the ER, where she was waiting to find out if Rochelle was ok.  She was crying and totally scared.  So she told me R woke her up because her heart was racing and not beating in a regular pattern and she was terrified.  Janet got up and tried to comfort her, but R just pushed her off and started slapping at herself and tearing off her clothes.  She was sweating and really, really hot.  Janet tried to get R into the car to take her to the ER, but she was so wild--slapping herself, and screaming and shaking and sweating--Janet had to call an ambulance.  At the ER, they put ice packs on R, and gave her some drugs to calm her down.  Janet was totally freaked, and needed help.  I guess she knew I'd be there in a flash, so she called me, and I was.

So I've been with them for the past 3 days and nights. Today we took R to a chemical dependency treatment place. She did NOT want to go. She's really quiet, and seems sort of like beaten or something--like she's got no fight left in her or something.  I mean I guess it's lucky she even lived, but it's not like she really seems alive either.  I sure hope they help her in that place.  I wouldn't want to be there.  She has to share a room, do pee tests, eat crappy food, and go to meetings with other drug addicts and alcoholics all day and evening, plus homework.  It seems like alot for someone who just almost croaked. I hope they know what they're doing. The hospital recommended them. I cried when they told us we had to leave her there--I really didn't want to leave her there alone--it must be so scary and lonely for her. She actually cried a little too, and we had to leave anyway.

I'm so exhausted, I can hardly write. Plearn's been great--taking care of Penny and talking with me when I thought I was going to go crazy myself. I don't even know how I feel now--it's all so confusing. Who do I love?  Who do I hate? What the hell am I doing????